Dear Slimy Credit Card Company
Dear Slimy Credit Card Company
It's true that I only continue to have an account with you for reasons of maintaining my credit score. I otherwise find you distasteful, dishonest and incompetent. The 'free gift' offer I received today is just one fine example of all three of those qualities.
Let's address them in order, shall we?
First, distasteful. Let's take a look at the CDs you'd like me to buy so I can claim my free gift, shall we? Perry Como? Paul Anka? Celine Dion? Dion? Surely you have my birthdate somewhere on your files, and can tell that I'm not in fact 78 years old. Why on earth would you send me an ad for a bunch of artists that weren't good even when they were popular?
Second, dishonest. Free. Free is an interesting word. I'll spare you the definition and the joke about beer and speech and assume you actually do know what it means. According to your letter, I'm eligible to receive the free gift because I'm a preferred customer. Though, I must first agree to purchase 2 CDs from a very short list of bad CDs for $9.97 (plus applicable taxes and shipping and handling). Sounds to me like my eligibility has more to do with my being a sucker than a customer, especially as '$25.01' and 'free' mean different things.
Finally, let's take a look at incompetent. Nowhere in this letter does it mention what my free gift might be. It doesn't tell me it's a mystery gift to build my excitement, either. It's just not mentioned at all. So this 'free' gift that's supposed to make me excited enough to pay $25.01 for some bad CDs? No idea what it actually is. I'm sure to get excited about that!
Not one of your more brilliant advertising ploys, Slimy Credit Card Company.
Sincerely,
Me