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May 2006 Archives

May 5, 2006

It's that time of year again...


My first baby geese sighting of the year was after lunch yesterday. There was a troop of them headed for the pond in the parking lot of the restuarant. Then, on my way out of the office on the way to happy hour, I noticed that some of the geese that live in our back parking lot had hatchlings. Just two so far, but I'm sure there will be more. Finally, on the way home, traffic on Sheppard was at a standstill by Keele, because a family of geese with two fluffy, puffy baby geesies was jaywalking.

May 15, 2006

Reasons Why #1: Because Clemie Said So...

Clemie is a real inspiration with her reasons why. And if she can get her ass to the gym every day and lose a bunch of weight, so can I.

As I contemplated whether I wanted to bother going to the new gym today, I really wasn't going to go. But then I thought of all the things that Clemie has written, all the reasons of hers that are also mine and I went. Because Clemie would go.

If Clemie jumped off a cliff, I probably wouldn't (unless we were celebrating our tremendous weightloss by going bungie jumping or parasailing or one of those other sports with a weight limit), but this seems like a good place to be a follower.

May 16, 2006

PR Flacks Hurtses My Brains,

Some select lines from the press release that accompanied my advance of an album by a new group called The Wreckers (Primary claim to fame: Michelle Branch is one of 'em.):

Stand Still, Look Pretty, is one of this year's most anticipated releases that is anchored on amazing harmonies, musicianship, songwriting and common goals.

Amongst the greater pantheon of albums that aren't anchored on amazing harmonies, musicianship, songwriting and common goals, though, nobody is thinking about it much at all. Don't even get me started on the random insertion of a comma. Why couldn't they have saved that comma for any one of the half dozen other places in this release where the comma is missing?

The enclosed bio explains how the girls met and created this incredible bond initially through their music and now goes well beyond their music into their daily lives.

The girls now goes well beyond their music?

The first single and video is "Leave the Pieces" which is a conversational song about how to handle an elusive love to "Crazy People" a tongue and cheek take not being able to find the right lover, as well as completely solid stories about finding love your way in "The Good Kind" to an ode to a lover's reflections in "Tennessee" to the profundity of the title cut, "Stand Still, Look Pretty".

This appears to be a very long sentence. Until you read it a couple of times and realize that it is, in fact, a very long sentence fragment. It does not appear to contain a main clause. The first bit is trying hard to be one, but the structure of the whole suggests it's really meant to be a subordinate part of a 'from X to Y, this album is great' structure.

Branch and Harp enlisted the best of the best to play the chess masters of the board that worked along side of them to help deliver this body of heart and soul.

This sentence does not contain a explicit error in grammar. However, I started to count the mismatched cliches, and my brain exploded.

I mean, for heaven's sake, they're sending this shit out to writers. Writers they hope will take the CD seriously. Writers who know where commas are supposed to be, and where, they're not, supposed, to b,e.

That said, the album isn't bad. Just the damned press release.

Reasons Why #2: Because my hip hurts

When I drive. When I sleep. When I sit in a chair. Most especially when I walk up or down stairs, my right hip screams in pain. It has for months.

I am 29 years old. I am not due to disintegrate into a pile of artificial hips and replacement organs for a few years yet. I know that being fat is a big part of the problem.

May 17, 2006

Reasons Why #3: Laundry overload

I hate doing laundry, even now that I have it easy (there's a washer and dryer upstairs, as opposed to several blocks away at the laundromat). Because my clothes are so huge, I have to do a lot more loads of laundry than the average person.

Plus, while I'm folding the laundry, every item I look at something it reminds me how huge and fat I am. Because a pair of unfilled size 26 pants is monstrously unattractive.

May 18, 2006

Reasons Why #4: Numb ass.

I work a very sedentary job. I sit at a computer pretty much all day, every day. Even moreso now that I work from home and don't have the occasioanl trip to the cafeteria to break up the monotony of sitting in my chair.

This is both a reason why I am fat (I gained a lot of weight when I started working full time) and a reason why I need to not be fat. Because by the end of the day, my ass gets numb. And when your ass is as large as mine, that's a lot of numb.

May 19, 2006

Reasons Why #5: Lingerie

I would like to own a pretty bra.

Pretty bras do not come in 46E.

May 20, 2006

Reasons Why #6: Eating in Public

I tend to be self-conscious when I eat amongst other people. 'Am I taking too much?' 'Is anyone else going to order dessert?' 'Do I look like a pig eating this?' All are common questions whenever I eat with other people - even though eating with other people is basically a hobby for me.

I believe that if I were thin, I wouldn't feel so self-conscious about what I chose to eat in public, and thus would enjoy it more.

May 21, 2006

Reasons Why #7: Health Forms

I've been filling out health forms lately - for switching gyms and insurance policies and such. Writing 310 in the weight field on an application form is embarassing. You just know somebody's going to have to type that in somewhere and think 'fatty' while they do it.

Last night's dinner with the meetup group was okayish. I ate waaaay too much at dinner, but did opt for some of the more vegetably items on the buffet (I didn't know it was going to be a buffet or I wouldn't have RSVPed yes).

My diet victory yesterday, though, was cannoli. My landlady gave me a whole thing of fresh Italian cannoli that her kids had left behind. Instead of keeping it or eating it, I took it to the meetup and gave them away to the people there. I don't love cannoli, really. I eat them because they look good, and because eating things is what I do, but I'm never all that impressed. Better for someone else to have the calories.

May 22, 2006

Reasons Why #8: Burglars

It's been over a year since we were robbed, and I'm still nervous and antsy about unexpected noises in the house (like, oh, say, the homecare worker showing up at 6:30AM this morning). I'd like to be fit so that when the burglars come again, I can beat them. Or run away. Whichever of the two seems wiser at the time.

May 23, 2006

Reasons Why #9: Dresses

I bought a dress for my brother's wedding on the weekend.

The I bought a coverup to go over the dress I bought for my brother's weekend.

Because it was either that, or have some serious alterations made to the dress, because my hips are two sizes larger than my boobs.

I would like to be thin so that my massively oversized thighs don't throw my whole body out of proportion, rendering it difficult to ever buy dresses that actually fit.

May 24, 2006

Reasons Why #10: MetaFilter

I read MetaFilter pretty much religiously (ie: I pick and choose the parts that interest and/or outrage me the most) and one of the hot button issues over there is always fat. Whenever a thread comes up related to fat or weightloss, people go crazy. There's this contingent of former and never fat people who smugly insist that all the fat people need to do is stop being lazy and everything will solve itself.

I would like to be thin, so that I, too, can be a former fat person on MetaFilter, and so that I can prove that it is possible to be a former fat person, and still not be a shrill, sanctimonious asshole.

May 25, 2006

Reasons Why #11: Falling Down Stairs

I have ... daymares? ... about falling down stairs. If I arrive at the top of a particularly steep set of stairs, I mentally picture myself falling down it, fat thumping on every third step, slowly rolling to a heaping blob at the bottom.

If I'm going to die falling down a flight of stairs, I'd prefer to do it quickly and with grace - like in an action movie. I'm definitely going to need to be thin for that.

May 26, 2006

Reasons Why #12: Walking Up Stairs

Despite evidence to the contrary, not every place in this world has escalators, elevators, movators or other mechanical elevating devices installed. Some places - any property belonging to the TTC comes to mind - have those things but keep them in a near perpetual state of disrepair.

I get winded half way up a flight of stairs.

That sucks.

May 27, 2006

Reasons Why #13: Standing Room Only

The vast majority of my evenings out involve concerts.

The vast majority of these concerts take place in rather skeevy sorts of bars.

The vast majority of skeevy sorts of bars have rather limited seating.

Thus, the vast majority of my evenings out are spent standing up for several straight hours in order to see concerts in skeevy sorts of bars.

While my ass sometimes gets numb when asked to support 300lbs for hours at a time, that's nothing on what my knees do. Numb would be a blessing. Numb would not involve sharp, shooting pain.

May 28, 2006

Reasons Why #14: Sitting Room Only

There are a few places in town where I see shows that do have seats - Massey Hall, the Royal Alex (for theatre), etc. In many of those places, I barely fit in the seats, and I know I take up more than my fair share of the armrests.

May 29, 2006

Reasons Why #15: Shorts

It's 22 degrees out at 9AM. It's supposed to hit 30 by noon. It's not even June yet.

I'd like to wear shorts during Toronto summers, but there are 2 problems with that. 1) My thighs are so fat that shorts bunch up, unattractively, regardless of how they fit, or what they're made of. 2) My knees are so fat that, well, they're just so fat. Fat knees are truly one of the least attractive body parts imaginable.

Reasons Why #16: CHUBBYY

That's right, you get a bonus reason today. Aren't you lucky?

On the way to the gym today (late, because I was seriously not wanting to drive in traffic today given the TTC strike), I saw a car with the licence plate 'CHUBBYY'.

I'm a fat chick, but I don't want to be just a fat chick. I don't want to identify with being fat so much that it'd be something I'd put on my licence plate.

May 30, 2006

Reasons Why #17: Looking Down on the World

I'm fortunate enough to carry relatively little of my fat on my face, but if I look down, I still end up with rather more chins than are required. Wandering around with your nose in the air all the time is both snobby and exhausting.

May 31, 2006

Reasons Why #18: My Favourite Coat

Just before the turn of the millenium (the fake one, between 1999 and 2000, for all you calendar geeks out there), I bought a beautiful wool dress coat. Specifically, I bought it to wear over my new dress, which I bought for the geekiest New Year's Eve party ever. (Almost all of the attendees worked in IT, so the countdown consisted of '5-4-3-2-1 Check you pager!')

I happen to like this coat quite a lot, I think it's elegant and stylish, and also warm enough for Toronto winters. The problem it has is this:

When I wear it on public transit, people get up to offer me their seats.

I want to be thin so I can wear my favourite coat without people thinking I'm pregnant.

That once I'm thin, my favourite coat will no longer fit is not lost on me, but when it comes to motivation, I work with what I have.

About May 2006

This page contains all entries posted to acho que não in May 2006. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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